Thursday, November 13, 2008

in the league of the clit

–noun Anatomy.
the erectile organ of the vulva, homologous to the penis of the male.

I don't think I necessarily agree with this definition entirely, at least the part pertaining to the penis of the male. If literature on the clitoris continues to compare the clit to the penis then it will only perpetuate the lack of skilled clit commanders in this world. Men will never master the art of tapping into this source of pleasure if they think it even remotely works the same as their dick.

First of all, the clitoris exists soley to provide sexual pleasure to us women, also known as goddesses. The clitoral glans (not to be mistaken for glands) has more nerve endings than the penis, consequently making our magic button a little more magically sensitive than your (male) magic wand. With this information on the table now I would like to extend a message to all you men out there who don't really understand: STOP PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY CLIT. It hurts. It's ticklish. It's not fun or sexy or pleasurable.

Secondly, the clitoris allows the blood that flows INTO it back OUT again continuously, allowing for us goddesses to experience multiple orgasms (A side note: one orgasm is more than enough for me to handle, though many women swear by their multi-dose of the big O). The penis is not this smart. Instead, men have to wait some set amount of time before he can get going again, and this interval changes for everyone.

So in a nutshell, don't suck the clit off when you're going down on us. Don't put too much pressure until advised to do so (some women have a less sensitive clit and need lots of pressure). And for the love of the sex gods, do not bite down.

Now accepting applications for Clit Commanders of all ranks.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

a mimbo could be your slave

Last night I went on a pseudo-date with the most beautiful piece of man meat here in my town of Whistler, British Columbia. I say pseudo-date due to the fact that an actual date usually possesses the intention of getting to know someone you're attracted to, having some time alone with them, some conversation perhaps. Conversation I did not engage in. Physical interaction however, was plentiful.

His lips touched mine so passionately and desperately I thought he may consume my very existence right there in that kiss. He was so hungry for me. His hands travelled along my body and my skin responded with millions of goosebumps on every part of me. I was paralyzed with pleasure. But it was then, in those very moments of pure euphoria that I realized "shit, I'm on a date with a mimbo." How could I let this happen? How did I get involved with such a vacant being? I was so very disappointed in myself. Was it his beautiful baby blues? Was it the smile from cheek to cheek? It certainly wasn't his charm. This poor little man had been pursuing me for a little while now, asking me to spend time with him. I hesitated at first because I am (as always) hung up on someone else. But that was the reason I decided to say yes after all. I thought if I became involved with someone else, perhaps my emotional attachment to the other would dissolve.

Let me tell you something: it doesn't work that way. At least not with someone who has nothing more to offer you than an orgasm and hours upon hours of cuddles. That's another thing, the dude wanted to hold me constantly! Cuddling with someone you aren't into as a person is not satisfying, it's just fucking suffocating.
I didn't sleep with him (thank god), but I did get a preview of the situation 'down there' and is it ever satisfying. Girth, length, smoothness of skin, shaved pubes, the works! Yes that's right ladies and gents, my mimbo has a perfect penis. PERFECT. No curving in any direction, no foreskin, no hair, and no erectile dysfunction. Should I decide to sleep with him I'm sure I'll be tickled pink...

Even with a perfect penis and a perfect body and a smile that sends me away to some far land where beautiful people are my slaves and the beds are draped in silk, I have no interest in him. He has nothing to say. Nothing at all. He even mentioned he was glad Bush wasn't recently re-elected....BUSH. Oh my goodness. During one of the very rare moments we exchanged a few words I counted the amount of times he said the word 'like.' I don't even want to repeat the number for I'm afraid you wouldn't believe me.

Whistler is full of his type of man: Hot, talented rider, tall T's and mad steeze.....Oh ya...and dumb as Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. In the morning when I left I patted him on the head with utmost pity and said "catchya later." I left him there like a poor puppy, all alone while his owners are off to work. I doubt I'll hang out with him again, but if I do it'll be to feed the kitty and nothing else.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Creative Spill from Del Toro's Mind: A Review of Pan's Labyrinth

This is a review I wrote for the radio. I once had a radio segment, but those days are long gone.

I want to start off by pointing out that Pan’s Labyrinth is food for both the regular moviegoers and critics. It’s receiving so much praise not by accident, but because it’s genuinely a well-made and entertaining film. The minority of audience members who have disliked it have criticized it for being too much like other fairy tale films. Or Too much like other war films. Vidal has been compared to Goethe from Schindler’s list. Ofelia’s adventure has been accused of being a reconstruction of Sarah’s journey in the famous film, Labyrinth. But these opinions are far and few between. Of course Pan’s Labyrinth is going to assume the shape of a typical war film and a typical fantasy film. But what is atypical about it is its ability to mold the two genres together, and create something unique. If we’re going to criticize Pan’s Labyrinth for plagiarism we might as well call up Jim Henson and Wolfgang Petersen and tell them Guillermo Del Toro stole from their films The Never Ending Story (1984) and Labyrinth (1986) and decided to make a box-office career out of their imagination. I don’t see any resemblance between the creatures of either film and the incredibly inventive creatures of Pan’s. Perhaps some narrative structural elements are common. The adventure, the journey, the ambiguity of reality and fantasy. But in any fairy tale film, these elements will apply. This by no means takes away from the film’s value or quality. So, with this tangent out of the way, I’d like to express why I’ve been so blown away by this film.

As I said, Pan’s Labyrinth is appealing both to the mainstream and the critical audiences. It’s visually stimulating, the sound editing is efficient, the directing is optimal, even the acting is pretty damn good. Gore, and horror are not scarce, but not over done either. The violence is necessary to the plot, and the camera angles work to demonstrate the viciousness of these scenes. But what makes this film so stunning is the story. I’m beyond impressed that Del Toro was capable of creating such an imaginative piece of art. Now, there are many films just as breath taking and powerful. There are many films that speak to their audience loudly and leave them with an emotional response. The story of Pan’s Labyrinth was born in Del Toro’s mind, and his mind alone. Children of Men, is a good example of a film I’ve recently viewed and felt moved, disturbed, enlightened, and the like. The fact that it made me feel so strongly alone makes me appreciate it for what it is, a powerful film. But, it’s a film adapted from a novel. It’s a regurgitation of someone else’s imagination, and re-created appropriately for the screen. I by no means want to diminish Children of Men’s excellence or Alfonso Cuaron’s ability to screen write. It is incredibly difficult to adapt a novel into a screenplay. Not only because you must face the possibility of horrific scrutiny from lovers of the novel, but also it is rather hard to take someone else’s creative expression and stay true to it but also making it your own. But my point is, that Del Toro created an entire universe, which only a fragment of was shown in the film. Ok, so what do I mean by this?

Firstly, for a fantasy world like that in Pan’s Labyrinth to exist, one must develop the details. Since we only see a small portion of this mystical underworld in the film, we don’t really know what the rest of it contains, but it does exist in some form elsewhere…in Del Toro’s mind. Basically, when writing a screenplay as ingenious as Pan’s, if you want to accurately depict a small portion of another universe, or a world unlike the one we see today, then it is imperative to build the foundation. So what I’m saying is, although we only see a small segment of the underworld, Del Toro, at some point, perhaps during brainstorming, perhaps in his mind alone, had to fully create every detail of that universe. Why it is, where it is, how it functions, who lives there, who does what, is it dark? Is it beautiful? How old is this world? All of these things are details that must be acquired in order to express even the tiniest of imagery or portion of that world. If this ‘background’ or ‘foundation’ was not set first, then what we see as an audience member wouldn’t ring true. Wouldn’t make sense. And wouldn’t have the effect it has on us. So, for a screenwriter to imagine this world and make it come to life so beautifully in the language of film, is an astounding display of imagination. A display we don’t see enough of in films today. And for that, I say give the Oscar for best original screenplay to Guillermo Del Toro and his beautiful mind.

On an analytical and deeper level, I’d like to take a minute to explore some allegorical structures found in the film. Interestingly, there is a bridge formed within the film’s narrative between the resistance fighters and the Captain and this bridge is found within Ofelia. While the political spectrum is very black and white, there is a tremendous amount of ambiguity surrounding Ofelia and her journey. Is the underworld real? Is she really a princess? Or is this a part of her mind? We could sit here and debate this for hours and neither of us would come up with any definitive answer with enough evidence because, problematically there’s evidence for both sides. I won’t get into detail as to what this evidence is because I wouldn’t want to spoil anything, but it’s important when seeing this film not to stress too much about whether or not this journey is real. What IS important, however, is the fact that it really is so ambiguous. The structure of the narrative following the resistance fighters and the military is so cut and dry that I’m tempted to say there are archetypes present. Now, I won’t use that word since it has a bit of a negative connotation, but I’ll elaborate on this point. Captain Vidal and his officials are always portrayed as merciless, cold, and evil. While the resistance fighters are innocent victims, good people, and warm hearted Spaniards. There is no ambiguity here. The story developed around these two groups of people is very much a good vs. evil structure. But Ofelia’s story is often in question. Can Ofelia trust Pan? Is she REALLY the princess of the underworld? And even if she is, does this underworld exist only in her mind? However frightening or suspicious her journey seems to be, Ofelia continues to explore and determine her own identity. She does this not by obeying Pan’s every wish, not by obeying her mother or her cruel stepfather the Captain, she does this by her own means. So, having said that, there’s something fairly interesting that most would catch onto and that is, the parallel drawn between Ofelia and the Captain. Vidal is accused of being the type of person who “obeys without question.” Clearly, Vidal being the villain, this is not a desirable trait to possess. In Spain, at the time of 1944, grave repression took place due to Franco’s recent victory. Executions were distributed like candy, and Spain was in a state of fear. Those who “obey without question” were those who obeyed Franco. Those who questioned were killed. A smaller version of this is revealed in Pan’s when the Captain kills two farmers without remorse, kills the doctor, and well, kills anything really. Spain’s repressive state caused darkness among the people everywhere, but nobody who wanted to keep their lives would speak of their fear. The Captain is a man able to obey without question, and in retrospect is of weaker character. A little while after Vidal is accused of being one who obeys without question, Ofelia is told to obey Pan without question. Exactly in those words “obey me without question.” In the end, she disobeys him, but her disobedience allows her to become who she’s meant to be, and on a spiritual level conquer Vidal entirely.

As an aspiring screenwriter, I can’t stress enough how much this masterpiece has spoken to me. Both on the surface and deeper levels of my film viewing experiences. If you can let go, and accept its similarities to other fairy tale films, other war films, and just take it in, you’ll love it. Every genre film will carry common traits, and this one is a fusion of two very different genres yet it blends to make one unique and compelling film.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Breathe in the Nil

An increasing amount of North America’s population is suffering from clinical depression, myself included. The most common ‘remedy’ is to take SSRIs (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). This medication promotes the reuptake of serotonin (a neurotransmitter, like dopamine and others) and in doing so is meant to help with severe depression. I am currently taking Cipralex, an SSRI with the fewest side effects. However, in the last few months I’ve noticed an increase in these so-called “temporary” effects. Here is a list of the most common side effects that Cipralex claims to last only during the first few weeks of consumption:

  • Insomnia/vivid and strange dreams
  • Confusion
  • Shaking in the hands
  • Diarrhea/constipation/nausea
  • Decreased appetite
  • Dizziness
  • Sleepiness
  • Nervousness
  • Sexual problems
  • Inflammation of the sinuses
  • Pain in the muscles and joints
  • Increased sweating
  • Rash or itching
  • Fear/Paranoia

Out of the fourteen most common “temporary” side effects, I have been experiencing eleven. Eleven out of fourteen.

I was prescribed Cipralex in October of 2007 and it is only in the last few months that these effects have surfaced. I can’t sleep, and when I do I experience terrible nightmares usually vivid enough to throw me into a rattled state of mind for the rest of the day. My deep love for the taste of foods has sadly decreased immensely and I’m finding it more and more difficult to feel alive. I gain no pleasure in the activities I once considered to be fulfilling. My sex drive, though still present, is fluctuating in levels of intensity. I’m constantly tired and without energy, even though I can’t sleep when I want to. I’m constantly on edge, nervous, anxious, and afraid. I find it hard to concentrate on issues that I am passionate about, and therefore can’t form opinions or arguments as well as I once could. In other words, my intellect is in serious question, and for me, this is the most upsetting ‘side effect.’

As a result of my recent frustrations with this ‘remedy’ for depression, I started to wonder: Is this what my pursuit of happiness has become? The path to contentment starts with a bottle of 10mg tablets? Whatever happened to inner peace, inner strength, independence? I’ve noticed that my “depression” has now manifested into the feeling that I’m simply “not enough.” I need a steady relationship to feel complete, a steady job to feel successful, a tight group of friends to feel loved, and a busy lifestyle to distract myself from the inevitable feeling of loneliness. I am a logical woman, and to me, this statement rings completely illogical. Why should all of these external entities define me? They don’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that when a relationship isn’t up to par, or a friendship is falling apart, I doubt myself. I begin to think negatively about the world and about my immediate self.

If I am a naturally emotional woman who tends to think too much and too negatively and therefore allows herself to fall into a depression, are psychiatric drugs really the answer? I don’t believe they are, at least not for me. The problem, then, lies in myself. I have a consistent need to help people and I’m in a constant search for meaning. Perhaps I’m searching in the wrong places. To pull myself out of this depression I will need to make drastic changes in my thinking patterns, my lifestyle, and my goals.

The purpose of this piece is to find others like me so we can bounce ideas around and somehow come to terms with the best ways to rectify our unfortunate states of mind. Psychoanalysis? Behavioral therapy? Yoga? For some it may be one of those methods and for others it may be all of them. But I believe communicating with each other is a wonderful way to release our fears without feeling judged. Sharing this with a shrink is all fine and dandy but sometimes it’s difficult to ignore the pen and paper they have in front of them as you speak. Friends are helpful but there remains the fact that they just don’t get it. They try to. They really do. But at the end of the day there is no universal sensation in place.

Lately I’ve noticed that sunshine helps a great deal but only provides a temporary relief from my constant struggle to feel alive and well. I’m not miserable. I’m just not happy. As Moka Only says, “it’s not that everything really sucks, I just don’t feel like a million bucks.”

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Pineapple Express: Will it live up to the hype?

Half Baked, Harold and Kumar, Smiley Face. The pothead-adventure-comedy genre is no novelty. From the days of Cheech and Chong to the marijuana savvy characters of How High, smoking the ghanj on film has been a growing choice of subject matter for comedic filmmakers. Pothead-adventure-comedies (or PACs, for simplicity value) can be considered a genre as they have the following traits in common: the main conflict consists of extenuating circumstances that only a pothead could manage to force upon him or herself; the conflict escalates to uncanny occurrences which the protagonists must resolve before the film's end (but don't always succeed in doing so); the protagonists work throughout the duration of the film towards a goal; and finally, lots and lots of Philly blunts, pinners, bong hits, and shotguns are present. Several PACs have been found appealing not only to members of ghanja culture, but some even to the masses. Of the numerous PACs that have been made, none have received as much pre-release praise as Pineapple Express, and it is still over a month away.

Every stoner in Canada has watched the trailer online a dozen times, has seen the Redband rated R version, and played the Pineapple Express game on the website, If this film doesn't live up to its hype, thousands of loyal mary-jane lovers will roam the streets with rage. Ok, they probably won't have any rage at all since they'll be burnt out from the canon they smoked prior to entering the film, but they sure as hell won't be stoked. Remember Wesley Pipes and Billy Bong Thorton? If Pineapple Express carries even a fragment of the stoner-perspective found in Half-Baked, then it will not disappoint. Not to mention the fact that the film stars the new Rat Pack members of comedy, Seth Rogen and James Franco, along with the always hilarious Bill Hader. And remember the abundantly annoying Bill Lumbergh from Office Space, played by Gary Cole? You better believe he's in the film too! Even Danny McBride (Hot Rod, All the Real Girls) has a role!

It is very unlikely that this incredibly talented and comical cast will fail to bring stoners everything they want to see in a PAC: indiotic behaviour, highly unlikely (and hard to believe) action scenes, and of course the green stuff. Get ready to ride the express August 8th, 2008!