Thursday, December 2, 2010

don't stop turning just for me

Tonight Franca and I are chatting about the reality of ourselves versus the way others see us. I sit here and speculate about myself and my behaviour. Everything I say and do is a representation of who I am. But how accurate is that representation and how much of myself is lost between my mind and my outer self?

Franca asked me why we can swoon over a man we have known for a few minutes and continue to fall deeper into him as we learn more about who they are and recognize their mannerisms and all the things that make them different from us. And my answer was simple: the universe may present us with all sorts of incredibly passionate and inspirational connections. the universe may place someone in our lives for us to encounter. but it is not in the universe's nature to stop everything and make sure that that person stays ours forever. in short: the universe is massive, why would it stop moving to guarantee us a lifelong relationship?

So yes, we may meet someone with whom we feel a great bond. And this bond may last the length of time that it takes to drink our coffee, or fight cancer, or even the quick few hours of a one night stand. The connection may stand the test of resentment and entrapment. Or it may be too frail. It may have been released into your world prematurely. Malnourished, neglected, under grown. It may be too weak to handle your long working hours, your unrelenting standards, your clingy manifestations of what a relationship ought to be like. It may fail to live through all of these things and you may be left wondering what the point of it was. That is the reality about romance that many of us struggle to accept. The reality being that the impermanence of life does not impair the connections we make or lessen their value, but that romance is in fact finite. Perhaps it's important for helpless romantics like Franca and myself to learn to embrace the finite nature of these deep romantic connections we share with others.

When couples spend the entirety of their adult lives together it isn't the romantic connection that continues to seal them. The truth is there's a lot in life. And all of those other things in their lives outside of their relationship works with their companionship. It's not the chemicals that churn their unit into something durable. It's everything. Their ability to be in the right place and right time, ready to work and commit to one of the hardest things humanity attempts to do: be together.

I believe the only way to be with anyone is to be the most accurate representation of yourself. which brings us back to the original discussion. Exactly how much of ourselves is brought to the surface? It's difficult to say. Are my actions a representation of my true self or are they a portion of what I wish I could be? And when do we know what to put forward and what to conceal?

I'll have to get back to this at a later time so I can discuss it with Franca further and perhaps take some time to ponder it with a clearer head. that's all for now!


  1. For me it's always difficult to be myself...that's why I can't be together with a person for more than a few hours or weeks...I don't wan't people to see who I am, and at the same time I wan't them to see me...which leads to me being nothing at all in the end: not to them and not even to myself. I'm kind of translucent...not entirely visible and stuck in a world in between....where there's nothing like love or any kind of emotion.

    Does that sound weird? Sometimes even I can't understand it o_O?

  2. I definitely understand what you mean by being stuck "in between." That's why pain and suffering can be so appealing at times..because it makes you feel something other than dull and flat. I find I have a hard time getting to the middle ground of showing enough of myself so people can "get" me. Usually I show too much or nothing at all and end up being misunderstood anyway!